jizmastick

As much as i like being with my friends, i can't stand the fact that I'll always be the odd one out. Everyone has someone special to them, while I feel like I'm stuck in the corner watching everyone else be happy. Now there is someone who I've found to be quite special in my own eyes, but i fear they'll never see me in that same respect. She's been on my mind since that weekend up the mountains, and I've probably should have said something between now and then, but it just seems far too late.

birthday's not far now. 22 fucking years old. good greef. well it looks like im coming down to 5 years to get my shit together. 27 couldn't come any sooner

funny thing is they're mostly filled with words.
This one's comes from the ol' gothic days of yorn. go go gadget bondage pants!

Untitled

Crept in through my dreams
Crawled out through my heart
Left a trail of blood behind
And ripped my sould apart

Beautiful scars
Torn into my skin
See what you have done!?
Can't blame you
No...
It's all my fault

Injecting my own pain
Deep into my veins
Blood rushing
Poison flowing
Deaths a beat away

I cannot take this feeling
That I'll just burn away
Fuck it!
I'll do it myself
My life will end today

XXX
Straight down my arms
Let's see them save me now
The flow of blood is growing strong
My life will end right now

Mangled mess
Flesh torn up
My veins are hanging out
The blood won't stop
It's growing cold
There's not much room for doubt

The pain is only in my head
My visions turning red

Just one more time
I'm sure to die

I sink it in
This blade in my skin
Tearing at my flesh
It's for the best
Ya know?...Fuck It!
I'm out!

There are 19 letters in your name.
Those 19 letters total to 76
There are 6 vowels and 13 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:Shakespearean Male 'Henry IV' Prince. 'Henry VI' John Talbot. 'King Henry VI, III' John Mortimer, Montgomery, & Somerville. 'King John'. 'Merry Wives of Windsor' John Falstaff. 'Much Ado About Nothing' Don John. 'Richard II' John of Gaunt. 'Romeo And Juliet' Friar.
Hebrew Male Jehovah has been gracious; has shown favor. In the bible John the Baptist baptized Christ in the Jordan river. Variants have been created in almost every language.
Biblical Male The grace or mercy of the Lord


Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 9

A Soul Urge number of 9 means:
With a 9 Soul Urge, you want to give to others, usually in a humanitarian or philanthropic manner. You are highly motivated to give friendship, affection and love. And you are generous in giving of your knowledge and experience. You have very sharing urges, and you are likely to have a great deal to share. Your concern for others makes you a very sympathetic and generous person with a sensitive and compassionate nature.

You are able to view life in very broad and intuitive terms. You often express high ideals and an inspirational approach to life. If you are able to fully realize the potential of your motivation, you will be a very self-sacrificing person who is able to give freely without being concerned about any return or reward.

As with all human beings, you are prone to sometimes express the negative attitudes inherent to your Soul Urges. You may become too sensitive and tend to express emotions strongly at times. There can be significant conflict between higher aims and personal ambitions. You may resent the idea of giving all of the time and, in fact, if there is too much 9 energy in your nature you may reject the idea. You may often be disappointed in the lack of perfection in yourself and others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 4

An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

29 October 1985
Your date of conception was on or about 5 February 1985 which was a Tuesday.

You were born on a Tuesday
under the astrological sign Scorpio.
Your Life path number is 8.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path number 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1 & 5.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 7 & 9.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446367.5.
The golden number for 1985 is 10.
The epact number for 1985 is 8.
The year 1985 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/20/1985 and ending 2/8/1986.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Ox.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Snake; your plant is Thistle.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Tyby, the first month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 14 Heshvan 5746.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 15 Heshvan 5746.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.12.8.3 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 12 tun 8 uinal 3 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Tuesday, 14 Safar 1406 (1406-2-14).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 7 April 1985.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 14 April 1985.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 20 February 1985.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 26 May 1985.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 2 June 1985.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Monday, 16 September 1985.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Saturday, 6 April 1985.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 19 February 1985.

As of 4/25/2007 1:49:38 AM EDT
You are 21 years old.
You are 258 months old.
You are 1,121 weeks old.
You are 7,848 days old.
You are 188,353 hours old.
You are 11,301,229 minutes old.
You are 678,073,778 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Amit Paul (1983) Ben Foster (1980) Winona Ryder (1971)
Kate Jackson (1948) Richard Dreyfuss (1947) Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf (1938)
Bill Mauldin (1921) Fanny Brice (1891)

Top songs of 1985
Say You, Say Me by Lionel Richie We Are The World by USA for Africa
Careless Whisper by Wham! Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
Money for Nothing by Dire Straits Shout by Tears for Fears
Broken Wings by Mr. Mister I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis & the News Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.07162426614481 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)



There are 187 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 22 candles.

Those 22 candles produce 22 BTUs,
or 5,544 calories of heat (that's only 5.5440 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.51 US ounces of water with that many candles.


In 1985 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1985 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1985 in the US there were 2,425,000 marriages (10.2%) and 1,187,000 divorces (5%)
In 1985 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1985 the population of Australia was approximately 15,900,566.
In 1985 there were approximately 247,348 births in Australia.
In 1985 in Australia there were approximately 115,493 marriages and 39,830 divorces.
In 1985 in Australia there were approximately 118,808 deaths.


Your birthstone is Tourmaline

The Mystical properties of Tourmaline

Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is

Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.



There are 244 days till Christmas 2007!
There are 257 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.

wow, work realy picks up when you're only 1 out of 2 people left. I wish the damn place would close already so i can go back on unemplotment and get my ass in school. That or a week long road trip that's ends in vegas or something, eloping the first chick that can drink me under the table.

well my life sure took a quick downturn. got laid off and that doesn't exactly stop the bills from coming in. I'm collecting unemployment now but that's just not gonna cut it if i wanna get my own place. Further proof that my life is just utter shit and i'll never catch a fucking break. I wish i could have someone else's like for a fucking change. Someone who's grounded, wealthy, but not too wealthy, and most of all in a happy, loving relationship. I'm realy getting sick of this one and just wish it had never come to be. But who the hell am I to want to be happy. pshhhh

I'm undergoing a whole rehashing of a very old website of mine. It's gonna function with my lj and myspace to share all my creative mess and give people an understanding, in whole, of myself. I've already got the basic layout down and just need to work on some more code. After that, it's just a matter of adding all the information i need. In the long run, it shall serve as a home for a new webcomic that's kinda been on and off since high school. The story is pretty much set up already, so I just need to start making some early sketches. Nothing fancy, as it will most likely be a very simply drawn out style, mainly using just lines and some color here and there. Shit I have a scanner. Why not put it to good use?

I could realy go for a gun between my eyes right now

So my 21st has come and gone, and it realy doesn't feel much different. Despite all the parties and shit, I just can't seem to get myself out of this depression I'm in. It's been 4 years since I've had a relationship, which is 4 years far too long. No matter what I do, everyone just looks past me, or just doesn't look hard enough. What is it that I don't have? I've been pretty clingy in the past. I acted like a child when it came to haveing a "crush" on someone. I like to think that that part of me has been killed time and time again, and finally burried for good. Maybe it's because I fall for someone way too fast, which, despite the person, always seems to lead to a world of pain on my part.
I will admit though. My heart and soul sure can take a beating. I've even returned to my angry white boy ways of coping by throwing on some korn and just abusing a good piece of paper with a pencil, pen, and whatever median I can find. I don't think my creativity has ever peaked this far. Unfortunetly I did catch myself resorting to those fucking stupid, sophmoric ways of dealing with the everyday shit. I wont go in depth, but it's something I completely regret thinking about and furthormore acting on.
So this is what it feels like to start growing up. Anyone wanna come along for the ride with me?

So I'm turning 21 in 6 days and yet nothing special's planned at all. I can't even remember the last time I had a birthday party. I was so dead set on having one this year too, but nope, doesn't look promising. I might as well just spend my birthday like any other day, alone. My 18th birthday went by unnoticed. I spent my 19th birthday walking around delaware county and sitting on the bleachers up at Penn Wood. I'd be damned if I had to go to academy park that day. My 20th birthday must ave just been another day, because I can't even remember it.
Now I'm turning 21 and the last thing I want to do is spend it in a bar somewhere. I just wish I could spend it with everybody, but the chances of that happening are slim to none. Fuck it. Don't even bother wishing me a happy birthday. Don't even bother getting me anything, because what I want, no one can deliver.

soooooooooooo lonely. soooooooooooo tired. so tired of being lonely. so tired of falling in love with people who dont care.

I iwsh I was fuckijng dead!!!!!

I wish I could be perfect in your eyes
Just a figment to me
Just a friend in your own eyes
I wish I could be everything that you need
But it's all just a dream to me

I'd offer my conscience, my pride, and my will
More than my woman, you'd be half my world
And when I come home, everyday, to my girl
We'd be in a world all our own

You'd be every hour, day, and all week
I'd hold on to every last word that you speak
I wouldn't let go until the night turned to day
But I wake up, and you've gone away

Soon this dream will come crashing down
My thoughts will race for higher ground
I'd lose my own sight
I'd sweat through the night
This girl of my dreams
She holds my heart tight
I don't want to wake up
The time is not right
Soon reality's pain will set in

I wish I could be perfect in my eyes
Just a figment to me
Just a boy in my own eyes
I wish I could be what I want you to see
But it's all just a dream to me

7:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

How much fucking longer do I have to be alone!?!?!?!?!kl/fO';B'So'hiaD;HIOVHNadfgaDVCUIL;vgi;usdguigui;sguo'vaDVGUIO'Adsdvghi

Haven't updated in a while. Let's see. Still working 8-5, mon-fri. still can't quit smoking. still single, lonely, and hating everyday of it. Still breaking promises I make for myself. Yup, nothin else changed much since last time. Now that's living

While looking through my old writings and shit I came across this letter from an old friend of mine. I couldn't help but read it and was almost in tears towards the end. I still recall the day I received it, after I heard the news that probably resulted in one of the biggest changes in my life. The day I opened it and read it was the day I finally knew true love. All those school boy crushes were nothing compared to the feelings reading it for the first time ushered into me. Now this letter serves as a reminder of the heartbreak that follows falling so hopelessly in love. It also serves as reminder that a strong friendship can't be broken by anything, even a broken heart. Never again will I dig myself too deep to see the light. Never again will I let myself fall victim to these fucking dreams I have of one day having what is obviously beneath me. Whether you read this or not, thank you Ash

Someone once told me my life wouldn't end
I would find someone, both lover and friend

"Where is this person?" I ask them again
Waiting in silence around the old bend

I walk on and on slowly towards my own end
No turn in sight
No lover
No friend

Keep on your light to guide me your way
Inside your heart is where I shall stay

This beacon of light, it grows dim everyday
No lighthouse in sight to help find my way

I continue to walk as the light burns away
Lost in a shadow day after day

Dampen your silence and send me a sign
Shine one your lighthouse so you can be mine

I'm looking through alot of old shit i did back in junior high and high school. Alot of it's pretty out there and comes of reeeaaal cheesy. lol. I'll weed out the jems and polish some turds and see what I can turn up later

Look to me
My eyes light up
Look to me
Don't stray
Look to me
Don't let them wander
In your eyes I wish to stay

You look away
I grow more eager
Please look this way
No more to say
When I see you staring back at me
I hold my breath
I turn away

This dream of mine's been playing
Through the night
I'm fast asleep
This vision, it hangs over me
I wish you could be there to see

As I awake and turn my head
You're out of sight
An empty bed
It felt so real, this picture
One that is not meant to be

Back to my dream
I see you
You look the other way
I go to speak
You turn to me
But there's nothing I can say

One day I'll be whole again
And some days I'll be high

Soon, one day, I'll cease to be
But a devil in the sky

And one day you'll imagine me
Up, upon that stage

But today consists of you and me
Let's light our cares away

Holy ghosts upon us now
To tear our dream away

But we'll make it through, some how
And burn out our young daze